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November 17, 2009

I read an article about courage from Yoga Journal and it made me think. Am I being courageous dealing with the situation with my daughter? People like to say that I’m stupid i need to do this and do that. Granted yes there are some things that I do want and need to change. However I am not letting the issue consume me anymore. I have been there before and was a defeatist. Now I feel like I am handling everything in a good way. I can see the growth that I have made. For a while I was literally living dead searching for whoever would love me and give me attention trying to fill the void in my life. I began to fill that void with painting and over time yoga, sudoku, reading and writing. The transition from Raleigh to Greensboro did stunt that growth for quite a while trying to adjust to a new area with limited transportation and lots of worries minus friends/family. Eight months later I am training for a new position with my company. I have eliminated useless people out of my life and have a potiential “interest” in someone. Overall right now I am the happiest I have been in a while does that make things better no. However it does make me strong and I feel courageous for looking at my own pile of sh*t and being able to say this is my mess let’s get to work and clean it up. I am the first to admit there is still much for me to accomplish and my heart does hurt everyday my daughter is not with me. When I can’t talk to her and when I do talk to her. However I have to keep living and striving to do better for myself so that I can do better for us both. There was a beautiful five year old little girl whose mother. Her own mother tried to prostitute and killed but I am without my child. I would love to be a mother to my child hell to a child because I have a lot of love to give. With that being said my heart is pure, my mind is clear, and my soul is at ease. I know Kaylah is being cared for and that is what matters the most. Holding my head high in the face of adversity I will continue down this path. One day I will be able to raise my child and have a family.

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